I went on a drive Thursday night.
The rolling hills catching my sight.
I was filled with wonderment.
Oh how I adore,
my heart ready to soar.
I felt lost in my mind,
I had no miracle or sign,
I lost the time.
The wind whipping through my hair brought me back.
The cold air igniting a fire, and picking up the slack.
The music pulsing through the car,
Keeps my dreams close,
and the demons afar.
I went down the mountain,
and felt full as if I drank from
The never-ending fountain.
There’s a darkness,
That lives in me.
I try to keep it at bay.
But these heartless people,
this compassionless world,
has birthed the evil inside me,
And kept the joy and mirth at bay.
You say to me,
Nicole don’t be that way,
Nicole it’s all just hearsay,
Nicole, Nicole Nicole.
YOU were supposed to help me sleep!
YOU were supposed to keep the peace!
But I digress.
No one can be your happiness.
This world will take advantage,
But I’ll manage.
You will see,
No one can be,
As cruel as a woman such as me.
Beg and plea!
But too late the queen has been unveiled,
hanging the next victim,
from the silk tree.
So today marks my 3 year anniversary with WordPress! (The longest relationship I’ve ever had) Some people would shrug it off, or say that it’s no big deal, but to me it is. I’ve had a lot of good things happen to me this year in 2015, and getting that brief notification brightened my already sunny day. I’ve lost a bit of my steam recently, and I think the reason is because I’ve been suffering from writers block. (And by writer’s block I mean staring at a blank word document screen as if it’s retarded or something) I was suffering from not finding enough words to say, and that always scares me. I was feeling this way until I heard some music.
And by music I mean Ne-Yo latest sex themed cd.
Now some people find inspiration from the strangest things; I know food is one of many inspirational ways I get a word or two out; but it was something about these songs, and the underlying message. Now to the average person it’s about meeting someone, falling in love, and the actual act of love. Paired with some upbeat gym songs, you’ve got an average 2015 top Billboard album. But maybe it’s the adult-ness (if that’s a word) to the songs created; It seems as if his music has reached another level, and I along with others are able to participate in this music-driven journey.
Or maybe it’s me. I feel that I’ve matured and reached another level. I have evolved, especially in my writing, and you guys were here to see me become more skilled at a hobby that I love. I hope you all are good. I hope the past year has been good so far, and that you too have evolved into the person you want to become.
“I ain’t draft dodging. I ain’t burning no flag. I ain’t running to Canada. I’m staying right here. You want to send me to jail? Fine, you go right ahead. I’ve been in jail for 400 years. I could be there for 4 or 5 more, but I ain’t going no 10,000 miles to help murder and kill other poor people. If I want to die, I’ll die right here, right now, fightin’ you, if I want to die. You my enemy, not no Chinese, no Vietcong, no Japanese. You my opposer when I want freedom. You my opposer when I want justice. You my opposer when I want equality. Want me to go somewhere and fight for you? You won’t even stand up for me right here in America, for my rights and my religious beliefs. You won’t even stand up for my right here at home.” -Muhammad Ali
So I have some things to say.
Today in sunny northern california (Vacaville to be precise) my sister was driving towards the local grocery store. My mother sent her to pick up a couple of items. After dropping me off at the gym, she went on her journey to the store.
My sister later narrates that she saw a parking space near the front. So she turns on the signal, and drives to pull in the parking space. My sister stops the car, and calls out to the driver when he steps out of the car. She says, “Sir, did you not see that I was pulling in?” The older white man walks toward my sister and starts to yell at the top of his lungs. These are his words precisely;
“You nigger bitch! I can take what I want! What are you going to do about it Nigger Nigger Nigger!” My sister tells me that she is so shocked that she is staying in the car trying to calm down. Others are staring, and she is becoming more agitated and embarrassed. She comes home and tells my mother, father, and me what had happened.
Afterward she comes and sits by my side, and just keep shaking her head. She looks at me, and I know what she wants to say. I can see it in her eyes. They are saying why? Why would someone approach me like that?
People like to choke things up to road rage, people losing their temper, and saying things out of context.
But I’m not.
When I’m angry at a white person I don’t start yelling derogatory names like, “cracker,” or question your family lineage. So why should you do the same.
I’m sick. I’m sick and tired of hearing this still going on. I’m sick and tired of it being 2015, and people still think they have a right to talk to my younger sister that way. It gets old.
I don’t know what to say.
I don’t know which way,
I feel stuck.
I wish I could put into words how I feel.
It’s really making me ill.
I feel bitter,
but something more.
I feel tired,
But there’s gotta be another word.
I feel beat up.
The world’s got it’s licks,
that’s for sure.
I can’t even rhyme.
I feel like i’m out of time.
I need to be alone.
I need to go somewhere and lick my wounds.
I need to go where I can find comfort.
I need a fort.
I need to not feel emotionally drained when I first wake up.
Can you help me?
You see, my mind won’t let me be.
(If you’ve read Astell you catch my drift)
I know that you feel tired. If you’re like me and you’ve just seen a bunch of rom-coms then you know what I’m talking about.
You’re looking for a man.
And not just any man, no the hero, the savior of dreams, the slayer of dragons, the one that loves to dance and can hold a tune. He’s supposed to make your knees quiver, He’s supposed to make you throw your head back in shameless abandon, and make you wanna say his name….
Sorry, just finished reading a Katheleen E. Woodiwiss book.You get what I’m saying?
The problem is, when this man comes about, at first he tends to need you, want you, may even say he loves you,
But does he really mean it? What about years down the road, when you are ready to have children, when you are ready to be the best soccer mom on the planet only to find that it was all a lie? Oh what to do? Well let me enlighten you.You see I’m tired. I’ve heard a lot and seen a lot. As you’ve read this past sentence you’re probably smirking thinking to yourself, “Now what has Nicole seen in her 24 years of life that would make her even close to a veteran?”
Ladies, you don’t know the half of it. Men say that we are controlled by our emotions; and that may be true 90% of the time. That however doesn’t excuse, nor condone the recent behavior men have exhibited to women. (Especially the behavior I have seen) Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not in any way bitter, or wishing the death of the male gender. But I want them to really see the damage that is being done to women by their own hands.
I’ve seen a woman, give up her whole life, give everything to a man just to find out that giving everything still isn’t good enough. I’ve seen a man have a woman work, provide, basically everything and be just quietly observing on the sideline.
I’ve seen a woman who wants to start the next chapter of her life, but can’t even move on because of false information.
Does any of this sound familiar to you?
On Lifetime, there is a movie coming out in a couple of weeks about three women, who are friends and vow to be married by the end of that year. While this journey is happening we see the friendship between the women, the ups and downs in their life along with the men who invade their minds, hearts, and bodies.
Now the movie had me at first; Just looking at the previews, hearing the Sia “Chandelier” song had me going. But the more I watched the more disturbed I became. Why should that be the goal? Why are women always written as wanting to get married, or have to be because of what other people think?
Now take Samantha from Sex and the City. Now that was a woman.
Someone who did what they wanted, whenever they wanted, and didn’t answer to anyone specifically no man. And the character created in part by a woman?
WHY SAY IT AIN’T SO!
What happened to her? That story came under backlash from men, and conservative women.(Who I think secretly wanted to screw just as Samantha did but who am I to say) Is a story only realistic if a woman character wants to get married and have babies, only to find out decades later that he didn’t want to marry you, didn’t really love you, you were a duty, or he’s been cheating on you the entire time?
Ladies, If you are like me then please help me do something about it! I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Ladies we’ve changed the world before, and we can do it again.
“She needed a hero so that’s what she became.” -S.L.
Do you really mean what you say,
When you look my way,
You love me?
Do you really love?
Does anyone really love a person?
Is it a job,
Something that people feel they should say.
If that’s the case,
then by all means keep your words at bay.
That’s what I say.
Is it really true?
Or just some mocking twist?
Keep me blind,
Keep me from this impending doom.
I don’t see an out.
I have these feelings of self-doubt,
And what’s worse is not a single person can reassure me,
That love will fix the problem.
“You’re just a lover out to score
I know that I should be looking for more
What could it be in you I see
What could it be..” -Deniece Williams (Silly)
So first, thanks for all the love you have shown to my poems. It’s an honor that you are reading my poetry. It’s the perfect outlet for me. I’ve always been a writer, and will always be one whether you’ve read it or not, but it’s nice to know that it’s appreciated. (Feeling self-important here please ignore lol)
Now on to the topic at hand.
So, as you know, I’ve been through some ups and downs for the 2014 year. Although I’ve been vague on my exact reasons, you can guess that they’ve been pretty bad. Worse at times even. But I’m not here to have a pity party, or to gain sympathy. I’m trying to enlighten and help someone who may feel the same as me. You see, as an avid observer of relationships (both fiction and non-fiction)I have seen the top and the bottom. It’s also sad when fiction becomes more reliable than the real thing.
Men my age, tend to not be interested in settling down. To me, that’s fine, because this isn’t the 50’s and 60’s so who wants the wife/kids/dog combo by 25?
Not realistic I tell ya.
But what happens when you see the older generations feeling trapped, or forced to be with someone? And not for love?
What happens then?
On a re-run on the Steve Harvey show (Christmas that’s the reason for the daytime television encore shows) He said that if a man is really serious about you, or even remotely interested he will have the 3 P’s: protect, provide, and possess. What does it mean if you don’t see it?
I hear people say all the time that you don’t want to rush a man, you shouldn’t pressure him, or he left because you just weren’t holding up your end of the bargain.
HOW IS THAT FAIR IN ANY WAY!
In my senior year of college for my British Literature class we read Mary Astell, whom I have grown very fond of (completely obsessed over) and in one of her letters she talks about women being in a constant lose-lose situation. How we are mocked if we care about clothes,furniture/decorating, and babies, but mock us if we don’t, calling us to manly, or too involved in education.
SO WHAT NOW?
I’m not mocking any woman who wants these things. I’ve even mentioned in my previous post how I have complete respect for the housewife. The problem I’m having is finding someone I can trust, and who will live up to his end of the bargain.
What I’m trying to say, if i’m saying anything at all is that I understand. I want to feel completely loved, have an adventure buddy, and a lover to call mine. The problem is, every time, the woman seems as if she has so much more to lose than the man.
Am I ready for that?
And what does this hold for women in the future? Are we bound to always having to settle?
“A WOMAN WITHOUT A MAN IS LIKE A FISH WITHOUT A BICYCLE.” -Gloria Steinem
That’s what I feel,
When I see YOU.
This ill-conceived notion that,
I NEED a man,
I NEED leadership,
I NEED direction,
Is complete bull.
Help ME understand.
Help ME see.
Maybe I’m blind, and can’t understand the need.
I HEAR women changing their ways for men.
My EYES see a woman who gives up her morale for a man.
My BODY shakes with rage at what we WOMEN allow.
WHY IS THAT?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH US?
AND FOR WHAT PRICE?
WHEN IS ENOUGH, ENOUGH!
I never said I didn’t want a man.
I want one.
I’m like the rest of the female population who wants someone to hold me a night,
I’m with the rest of you who wants to feel incredible both inside and out.
I want someone to tell me it’s going to be all right and actually MEAN IT.
“So,” answers Nikki, “What’s the cost cross road demon?”
Laughing menacingly he answers, “Oh,let me enlighten you Nikki.
Loss of individual thoughts,
Loss of the correct speech,
Loss of common sense,
Loss of intelligence,
Then you can keep him!
“Uh,” replies Nikki, “Can I think on it?”
YOU HAVE NOTHING to offer me.
Because if you look here you see a woman.
But not just any woman,
A woman with a brain,
A woman who doesn’t think the same,
A woman completely unhinged,and untamed.
Where did we go?
How did we get lost?
Can we come back?
“It’s cool I got it…” -N
I heard about a girl,
Whose ambition was to be a wife.
Not a lawyer,
Not a doctor,
Not the next person to solve world peace.
But a wife.
Now don’t get me wrong,
A wife has a lot to tackle.
Kids, children, a finicky husband,
You get my drift.
What made this crazy is when asked why she wanted to be a wife,
It wasn’t because she wanted to end strife,
That she had this feeling of giving life,
It was because it would give her a purpose.
As she said this I was mentally stabbing myself with a knife.
Ladies, what are we doing wrong?
I want love,
I want something more than the physical,
something that ascends even the spiritual,
Ladies hold up your man-made bras and agree with me!
We have value,
and it’s not measured by how many kids we can produce,
or how quiet we can be for HIM.
Get your mind outta the Nicholas Sparks novel!
please, I grovel before you!
We are suffering,
We need to help each other.
Pull the strength from inside of you.
“Love is not just the verb it’s you looking in the mirror,” Kendrick says.
Are we following these words?
Are we looking to love ourselves first?
I stand here perplexed……