Dear Future Love,
I’m so glad that it took all this time to meet. People would say that our joining was unnecessarily prolonged; I however would disagree. This time a part grew me into the woman I am today. My love for you transcends time and space because I was given the time and space to reflect on the importance of self. I’ve grown in more ways that one, and I know you have as well. My heart is unequivocally yours for the taking. But, I’ve learned that should you squander this gift, I would soldier on. Simply because it is life.
I will keep your heart safe. I will love you unconditionally, and I pray you do the same. We will travel, talk about family, start on our own. We will ignore the naysayers, and revel in the fact that we trusted each other from the beginning. I write this with a smile knowing that I am close to you, and you are close to me. I wonder how the universe is constructing our first meeting, and whether or not we will have a stereotypical romantic scene straight from a movie, or I’ll hate your guts.
It will be glorious.
I’m angry that my panties get wet when I hear the low timbre of your voice.
My heart races when I hear you breathing on the phone,
The deep chuckle,
The sigh followed by the dial tone.
I cannot deny,
The feeling of satisfaction I feel,
Whenever I leave that house in Noe Valley depleted and bone dry.
Thoughts of you tingle my psyche in the most unpleasant of ways.
I watched silently as you destroyed every naive part of me.
No longer innocent, adrift at sea.
I don’t like being torn.
I say yes, but I don’t mean it.
I say no, but eyes say otherwise.
It’s not fair.
Making you out to be a mind reader.
But it’s what I want.
I need for you to decide.
I need you to tell me otherwise.
Pouvez-vous voir ce que mon desir ardent pour moi me fait?
Say you’ll stay even when I scream at you to go.
Say yes even when I sound bitter and tell you no.
I’m a small disaster you see.
I don’t I’ll ever just be.
I looked up,
And you were there.
I tried to speak,
But you shook your head.
I stepped back.
You walked forward.
“I went too far,” you said.
“I took too much,” you pled.
“I should’ve tried,” you shouted.
I wanted to scream.
I wanted to fight.
Anything but feel this.
This burning in my chest.
This racing heart.
“I lost myself along the way with you,” I spoke quietly.
I walked forward.
You stepped back.
You tried to speak,
But I shook my head.
“No. It’s my turn to speak.”
My thoughts are racing,
Time has me chasing,
Still, I sit here debasing myself.
All for you. What do you do?
Before I even come to,
You kiss me on the lips,
Barely even say adieu.
I hate you.
But then I smell your shampoo,
skin encased in bone and sinew.
And my love begins anew.
It was nightfall,
The weather was hot,
It had a tinge of sex appeal.
The road was the only thing that held my attention.
The dark obsidian eyes,
The feel of the warm earth beneath my bare feet,
The purring of the car’s engine as I pushed it’s limits,
The wind whipping through my hair and under my dress….
Make love to me.
I came just from thinking about it.
I grabbed my keys,
Walked out the door,
& started the car.
Fuck the destination;
I just needed to get away.
& the 101.
I went out on Friday night.
Went to find my love.
Lover of the evening,
One night stand,
I hitched up my bra,
Cut two more inches of my halter dress,
Mis sur mon baise moi pompes,
And was ready to go.
I club hopped,
Saw some friends everywhere I went,
Took shots with old lovers,
Laughed for what seemed like days.
Went to my last bar of the evening,
And there you were.
You weren’t supposed to be here.
You were the reason I disappeared.
When I was tired,
You kept me uptight and wired.
When You needed a hand,
I gave you a leg to stand.
In the grand scheme of things I feel scammed.
But I command.
I had to learn your technique.
I need a healing balm.
Instead I’m faced with a bomb.
Day in, Day out,
I can’t keep holding on.
I can’t be a spawn,
In this con.
I’ve put on my red chiffon.
It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.”
― André Gide, Autumn Leaves
On this lovely Sunday afternoon I just wanted to say hi.
and to word vomit on you for a second.
But just a second.
Okay so I’m writing this research paper on romantic behaviors, romance books, and why it isn’t so bad to read about a pirate, and the woman who he loves. As part of my research I went around asking people questions. Questions varied from what they believed a good relationship is, what they expect from a partner and what they look for in the one. All the answers were pretty much similar except for this one question.
What is the definition of love to you?
I saw a wide range of emotions. I saw confusion, thoughtfulness, embarrassment and even seriousness. But above all, the one answer that stood out to me was by a woman. She said, “Love in unrestrictive, and control free; putting the other person before yourself, and willing to die for the other person.” I don’t know if it was the words, the way she said them, or the expression on her face, but I felt that she had one of the most honest definition of love I have ever heard. As I was asking different people these questions, one person asked me what I thought the definition of love was. I quickly told him that I couldn’t give my answer because it would affect the data but that wasn’t the truth.
Not at all.
I felt that sharing my definition would maybe hurt the other person’s feelings because I know that person intimately. If I told them they may have been insulted, or would probably avoid talking to me. As I was walking home I realized that what I did was wrong. I should tell people the truth no matter what they think.
So hear it goes.
My definition of love is trust. Being able to tell a person anything and know they care and have your back. Dependability. Being able to know that no matter the circumstance they will give their all for you. Patience. Knowing that as an individual you may have issues but they are patient enough to wait. That is my definition of love. Until I find those traits then I will stay happily single. I will travel, journal, and beat to my own drum until that person crosses my path.