The Podcast is Back!!

So…

I just finished recording with a lovely poet on Friday. I was able to get my bearings, we were able to schedule something and it happened! I’m still learning to work out the kinks on Anchor, but I have to say that I am enjoying it immensely. I don’t think my podcast will ever be rated in the top five, especially with all of the…let’s say interesting…men and women holding court on these various platforms, but I hope to at least appeal to the niche group of people who like me, enjoy reading poetry from time to time. The newest episode will be live tomorrow at nine a.m. PST Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know if you were interested in listening in.

-N

Expressions and Definitions: (Click the link below!!)

https://open.spotify.com/episode/164nHXfwmszCndNPJOwIkV?si=8e2d3eba62504785

Coming Soon

Hello everyone!
It’s been a while, but I’m still here. My podcast was forced to go on a hiatus due to my own personal issues but I’m pleased to say that I am coming back! And expanding my podcast to more than poetry. Still working out the kinks but I hope that you guys like it and will follow and listen if interested. Anyway, Just wanted to let you know I’m still here.

-N

…Anonymous

I’m back again.

I tried to leave but it didn’t work.

I tried to leave it behind but it came back.

It goaded me back into its dark confines.

I couldn’t say no.

I was on the straight and narrow for a while.

Proud that I was able to start again.

I’ve said that line for too long.

But the temptation was too strong.

The lure of your wicked promise so decadent.

High enough to feel but not enough to breathe.

This is reckless and-

You brought the necklace back.

Yeah.

-N

The Dreamer’s Reality

I love being self-employed. A podcaster, romance writer, and poet.

It’s fun stuff.

However, while it is fun, you also need the monetary side of things to create such great works. Someone mentioned to me on TikTok the other day that I should activate listener support. Now because I am new to the podcast world, I had no idea that was even a thing until I opened up the money side of the Anchor app. I thought, “Oh great! I can unlock ads that will pay me in addition to allowing my listeners the chance to donate for the podcast to keep going.”

Venturing into the monetization aspect of the podcast caused my mind to drift into a thoughtful, yet necessary tangent about money and passions.

As a rule I hate asking for money. I’ve always felt that people tend to judge whenever you ask. I’ve seen it countless times in my life. I’ve even seen it destroy several relationships. Personally I was never this way. If I had it, I would give it no questions asked. I always thought a person had to be in a tight bind to ask for money.

When I gave money I never cared. I never even felt that someone was using me because I always figured that God would make sure any wrong was righted. I also think it comes with being an oldest sibling. I’ve always given the last of my money, food, smart devices, etc., to my sister or friends if she/he/they needed it. I’ve given to former classmates on my college campus who needed but was too shy to admit to it.

I’m not saying it to get praise.

I’m saying it to show how little I care about the issue. I am the same way towards my friends and family. I’ve been in difficult situations so I know what it’s like to need something from someone without the hundreds of questions and pitying looks. I always told myself that I would make sure to always be kind to others and if I had it, I would give it. Simply because I knew that one day good karma would come back to me, be it in family harmony, good relationships or an easy-going life.

I’m an honest woman. And I am proud. (Not prideful mind you but content with what I have) I hate asking for anything, especially when it comes to my profession. I work hard on my podcast and books. But then I realized that this wouldn’t be borrowing money from a friend or family. This wouldn’t be a handout. This would be me hoping to have monetary support from interested listeners or viewers who would want to contribute somehow.

I wouldn’t become upset, or hold others at gun-point for not wanting to support by payment. Some people may support my work by listening, others with money, some with an encouraging word. Support comes in all forms and I am here for it.

I hope this reaches other entrepreneurs/content creators in the world. I want you to know that if you feel shameful, or embarrassed about asking others to support your journey, you shouldn’t be. Your gift is your trade.

It took me a couple of years to realize that there is nothing wrong with asking for help.

Ever.

If you’d like to support my podcast monetarily please click here. If you want to leave an encouraging word or subscribe you can click above as well. Whatever support you’d like to offer I am here to receive it.

I love you all so very much and thank you for listening. Have a happy Saturday.

🥰

Addiction

Les Abysses

I try to tell it to stay away sometimes,

And for a while It will listen.

Appalled at my behavior to be kind,

Listen to reason,

Try and see the other’s person’s growing season,

IT wants nothing to do with me.

But there are weeks when it comes back.

Past midnight IT whispers in my ear tempting me with sin and delight!

How I bite my lip and withhold my moans for fear of IT noticing and my thoughts take flight.

I try to-

I just need-

Force these positive thoughts in and-

Est-ce que ca me tuerait de vivre une nuit de depravation?

IT walks toward me bed,

hovering over my face.

I can smell the sweet scent of his breath and the allure of-

No one can know.

This secret I hold dear.

Else I won’t be seen how I should be.

Instead they’ll only know of what became of me.

-N


	
Featured

My Podcast

Happy Friday everyone!

No real reason for the post today other than to remind anyone interested that I have a podcast and I love to feature up and coming poets. If you have poems that are based in the genre of love (romance, drama, unrequited love, bitterness, self love, anger, passion, etc) please feel free to send it my way. I will leave my email below in this post along with a link for the podcast so you can check it out!

By the way if you don’t want to be interviewed but you don’t mind me reading some of your work and talking about it please email me and we can even do that. Anyway, I look forward to hear from you!

-N

Podcast link: https://anchor.fm/nicole-renee5

Email: nicolew301@gmail.com

Pink Horizon

I took off the mask,

Basked in the knowledge that I am free.

I have been liberated,

the invisible chains have been broken,

I’m no longer worth a token.

The toxicity of this realm has stifled me.

Forced me to dwell in places that I never meant to be.

In, win, depends,

You know the drill.

I used to hold myself back,

So they’d cut me some slack.

I’m past all of that.

Going into a new year,

I’ve made a vow to be honest with myself.

To live my best life,

else I end up detesting myself.

-N

*Make sure to check out my podcast where I talk about all things poetry!

https://anchor.fm/nicole-renee5

Unplugging From The Matrix….

I have used this blog to vent my frustrations, promote my books/podcast, and connect with so many different people from everywhere. It is a place where I have grown as a writer, and it makes me smile to see how far I have come when I click on old archives. It is also a place where I have felt comfortable being able to talk about issues currently facing well, me.

This is that time.

December 2016 I graduated with my Master’s degree. I was a happy, if naive twenty-six year old black woman who was determined to have a career in the workplace. Something I’d always dreamed of ever since I became entertainment editor of my high school newspaper. That January, I was ready. I prepped for interviews, applied to wherever a company would take a shiny-new master of science in human resource management degree holder. It took a few weeks, but I was able to get a once in a lifetime interview with the San Francisco International Airport. It was an eye-opening experience to be sure. I was selected for the prestigious position of San Francisco Airport Fellow and I thought it was the best thing in the world.

Finally, I would be joining hundred’s of others in the mad dash to and from work. I dressed smartly, even lost substantial weight which gave me the confidence I felt I would need to succeed. I had no clue what I was doing, but I figured, “Hey. school taught me that I can learn anything with studying, hard work, and dedication. So anything is possible, right?”

Wrong.

That mindset was true in some aspects.

In others it wasn’t.

It was a year program, that not only exposed you to the aviation industry, but helped train you for a position at the airport. Everyday for one year I told myself if I could just get to the end of the program I would be okay. I could make it. Then I wouldn’t have to worry about money as much, and I would be happy. In all my favorite films, it’s what happened anyway. The lead protagonist would work hard, handle the fire-breathing dragon lady (The Devil Wears Prada) and at the end get the job he/she truly wanted.

Only that wasn’t the case.

I had a helpful advisor which was good, but the bad definitely outweighed the benefits in my situation.

The subtle micro-aggressions were terrible. Finding out that people were talking behind my back was like getting a slap to the face, but what hurt more than anything, was being made to feel as if I were stupid. These people spoke as if I was too illiterate to properly comprehend what they were training me to do.

Because of it my mental health suffered.

The program started for me in March, and I made it to the one year mark, quitting a couple of months afterward. I never thought one could feel PTSD from a job, but this was my first real taste of, “The real world.” My father, being a former supervisor for a very well-known company drove me almost daily to work. He saw my moods change the closer we got to my job and he would always offer a smile and say, “If you can’t do it anymore, then don’t,” before focusing back on the road. I always felt that he could look into my soul and see how much I didn’t want to be there.

But I still went.

Being the ever optimistic person I was I consoled myself with the knowledge that one day, I would finally get what I worked so hard for.

That day never came.

Circumstances arose in which I quit. I came home early, and I remember feeling so defeated. I sat outside of my parent’s driveway a lot, and sometimes found myself staring at the ground, the mountains, and in some cases nothing. I would think of something terrible at work and have sudden bursts of anger which was directed at my parents. They didn’t deserve my outrage, yet they took it in stride, always consoling me when I came down from one of my many episodes. Even my little sister who came down from college saw the hopeless despair I was wrapped up in and took pity on me.

I quit in 2018 and for several months afterward I stayed out of the workforce. I began to write feverishly, and it was the one thing that brought me immense joy.( Well that along with foreign soap-operas.) Through that pain I was able to create something beautiful. My very first historical romance book that I published myself on Amazon. I figured out how to create my website, and I was even able to pay for a PR company to promote it. I felt so proud of that I was able to do that, and it felt like a big screw you to anyone who thought I was incapable of accomplishing something huge. It was my passion, it had always been, but it took me facing what I thought I wanted to realize what I actually needed.

A couple of months later I figured it would be a good time to earn some money so I began a tentative job search. Much more aware I went in with the single-focus of working for money. I wasn’t looking for job-security or comfort. I wasn’t looking for friends, or a place to advance my career. I wasn’t affiliated with any organizations or sororities so I knew that I wouldn’t be making any advancements based on connections. I was just a normal twenty-eight woman looking for income to make her car payment.

Still, I found nothing.

I applied to so many places yet they all turned me down. Gave me no specific reasons, other than they moved forward with other people. I was baffled at the response and even told some managers to please check my credentials and reconsider, but the answer stayed the same.

A big resounding NO.

I do remember that I applied to a job near my neighborhood during that transition period. It was a management position, entry level at a clothing store. The interview went surprisingly well, and I thought it was a great way to get my foot in the door of management. But, I showed up the next day not for management work, but for a regular sales associate position.

Now I want to be clear; there is nothing wrong with a cashier position, but my job history and resume alone would make me over-qualified for that particular position. I worked at that store for one day and never came back. I thought I would cry my eyes out, but I found myself feeling the opposite. Instead of tears I became upset, and slightly bitter. I worked so hard only to be given a position of putting clothes on a rack. Six years of school just down the drain in my opinion.

Since 2018 I have steadily looked for work in between writing, but no one ever thought to hire me.

Then the pandemic happened.

Citizens were worried about money and work, but I found that year to be a relaxing one. I had been through so much, and now the world was on pause, forcing people (including myself) to re-examine their lives.

I found myself writing more.

I published three more books, and I spent more time with my family. I finally realized what was important, and that was worth millions to me. I still held out hope that someone would hire me. After all, everything had switched to remote so I was in the same boat as everyone else, right?

Wrong.

There was a brief bout of hope on the horizon, though.

In July 2021 a company reached out to me. It was a start-up and the goal was to help students with college preparatory. I was excited because after I was hired I was given the position of online English Instructor. I was thrilled. To have the chance to finally be in the education field had been my dream. The former supervisor explained to me that they were waiting for students and for the school year to start, so she urged me to be patient. I had been waiting for years, so I didn’t mind waiting several more weeks.

But the waiting turned into months.

Which turned into the former supervisor quitting and me finding out about it two weeks ago (Yep seven months!) after inquiring myself.

I found that job on LinkedIn and figured while waiting for the education company to start I would look for something else. I completed the entire profile, the app called me an all-star profile and I was starting to get views. The website even matched me to other jobs that I qualified for.

Except I got no call-back.

After several months I started to see that no one was calling me back. The news on the television wasn’t matching my own efforts of looking for work, because I did want employment yet no one would give me a second glance.

I am no one special. I am just a thirty-one year-old educated Black woman. However, I started to do research and was finding out that a lot of other black men and women (millennials) were facing similar situations such as myself. I didn’t want to be one of the people who kept allowing this to happen only to break me. I even saw stories where other women went insane with the constant back and forth from companies only to be let down and unable to properly function.

So, I decided to become self-employed.

I created a more professional website for books. I have always loved poetry and I am so proud of my podcast Expressions and Definitions finally getting the attention it deserves. And I am proud to be making certain financial moves with my family which makes me thank God for giving me the family that I have. It’s not at all what I thought I’d be doing, but I find myself loving writing and create fun and new podcast.

I came up here today to say that I quit.

I finally quit believing in the hype of corporate America. I quit believing that my, “dream job,” is at some company from nine to five. One should not dream of work, but of a passion that they can turn into profit, or a way to live comfortably.

I deleted any app that would be linked with a job.

I deleted my LinkedIn post.

I deleted my online portfolio and gave away my professional clothes.

This year in 2022, I will do what makes me happy and not what society tells me. I will not be forced to work in subpar conditions that affect my mental state and I will not be spoken to in a way that deems me less than human. Because I am human, and I deserve respect.

I don’t know if this helps anyone, but if you have gotten this far and are reading this, I want you to know that you are not alone. You are special, kind and you are loved. You are smart, and you can do anything you put your mind too. You are not being too difficult for demanding what you deserve because baby, you are so worth it.

I love you all so much and we will talk soon.

-N

Sadist

You left me for a while.

But you came back.

I have no slack.

I can’t believe what you’ve made me feel.

What I’ve written,

What you’ve made me do.

My heart was broken.

I want you in too many ways.

I can’t say no though.

It’s not good for me.

This is a drug.

But I have to take another hit.

Just once more.

Then I promise I’ll go.

Promets juste que tu-

*Excerpt from my poetry book Love, Undefined By Nicole Renee. You can purchase it here.