Un Inconnu Amour

To Whom It May Concern:

Hello. You don’t know me. You probably never will. But I know you. Well, I think I know you. I don’t actually know your name, but If I’m lucky I will one day. Or maybe not. Maybe you’re something I’m not supposed to have. You see, I’ve been watching you from afar. Everyday I watch you sit in a corner. Every evening I see you order your drink. What are you thinking? How are you feeling? What are your plans? These are some of the questions I want to ask you. But I never do.

I sit in silence, contemplating the different conversations we’d have. We’d disagree on politics, have common interest in food. You would be shocked I enjoy sports, and I’d be in awe that you admire Jane Austen’s hidden messages in all of her books.

You’d want to travel, as much as I do. I would want to discover the meaning of life; You would want to help me.
Or not.
You could tell me to get lost; You could laugh in my face. Whatever the outcome I’ll never know. If this letter reaches you, I just wanted you to know that you are wanted,
God, you were desired,
And you were something I rewarded myself with frequently.

Sincerely,
A Lover Of You.

A Letter

Dear O,
I love you,
I always will.
You reminded me,
to be myself.
You told me that I could do anything,
And I believed it.

People lie,
They tell you what you want to hear;
But you never did.
You’ve always kept your word.

You’ve told me in confidence that you felt trapped.
You told me that the world was closing in on you,
And you needed a place to be free.
I now know what you mean.
Now I know what it means.

-N

Alice, Rinse, Repeat.

I’m locked in a room.
A room of my own choosing,
But a room nonetheless.

I need to breathe,
So I could seethe.
Constantly gnash my teeth,
Is that yellow?

I need space.
My body waits in anticipation for the fates.
Hurry say something!
Say something quick before I die!
Don’t lag,
Or be shy.
I need you like the sun needs the sky.
I’m disappearing you see,
This drink won’t let me be.

I need food.
Nourishment for the body and soul.
I have no control.

The voices I hear are becoming louder,
The ominous footsteps closer,
Walking to the beat of a silent composer.

My breath stops,
My heart skips a beat.
The door swings open,
My body completely frozen.

I’m locked in a room.
A room of my own choosing,
But a room nonetheless………

-N

My Condemned Maze

I keep looking,
for a lover that is divine.
sublime,
anything but that single shot
laced with lime.
How can I find,
a peace of mind?
Can someone please show me a sign?
Can my body be entwined,
aligned, assigned, combined?
Can anyone really settle a unconscious mind?
That stupid word:
Love
Is that why it’s blind?
a grind,
a dulled shrine?
Why can’t I retreat,
from this vicious, unfair, unkind treat?
Not I. Not I.
I am no different from the rest,
who are always trying to best,
even test,
me.
I am you, them, everyone.
I am the sheep surrounded by millions
waiting for the inevitable attack of the lion.
I long for the feel of his claws,
for his hot breath against my ear.
I shiver for the silver tongue who creates mirages I know I shouldn’t,
but can’t help believe.
I crave the smothering feeling of his flesh on mine.
I wait in anticipation for the strangle of his words
grabbing hold of my heart.
I’m a captive burning up in flames, that water cannot contain,
I can’t place blame,
shame,
even say my name.
-N

Thoughts? (Day 2 of Nikki’s poems)

Reality Setting In

“Never do a single thing in the anticipation to prove something to someone who has hurt you. If someone has hurt or offended you (whoever that person may be), never perform anything or strive for anything in your life with the mind of proving something to that someone/ to those people. May nothing that you do be done with any thought of them in mind. There is nothing that needs to be proven.” 
― C. JoyBell C.

Hello world!

Sorry for the delay. I want to make sure that I have something good to say, that’s why I wait.

That’s what I tell myself.

Yesterday was tough. Real tough. Recent developments have happened in my life forcing me to make drastic decisions I never thought I would have to make. It hurts because when you thought you finally found some peace, or that you could open yourself up to trust, you find out that it was all a false sense of security to begin with. The quote above really struck me because most people do things to prove a point to someone. You know the usual, “I’ll show you,” or, “They will regret ever ignoring me,” spiel. The reason that line of thinking is a losing battle is because you are letting that person control you’re actions. You shouldn’t give that person the satisfaction of your brain time. I say all this to say I too was having the same line of thought until this morning. I woke up, made some decisions, and set about being a whole new person. Not one that isn’t recognizable but one that realizes the error of her ways, and a person willing to not only rectify, but make sure these mistakes are not repeating.

I hope this is able to reach you. If you are hurt, hurting, or wanting a way to start over know that you’re not alone. That no matter how hard it gets, no matter the circumstances you can finish the task given. A wise woman told me to forgive and move on. Not for them, but for yourself.

-N