Ce Que Je Refuse De Se Sentir

“She needed a hero so that’s what she became.” -S.L.

Do you really mean what you say,
When you look my way,
You love me?
Do you really love?
Does anyone really love a person?
Is it a job,
A necessity,
Something that people feel they should say.
If that’s the case,
then by all means keep your words at bay.
That’s what I say.
Love,
Romance,
Is it really true?
Or just some mocking twist?
Keep me blind,
Keep me from this impending doom.
Right?
I don’t see an out.
I have these feelings of self-doubt,
And what’s worse is not a single person can reassure me,
That love will fix the problem.
Can you?

-N

I’m Still Waiting

“You’re just a lover out to score
I know that I should be looking for more
What could it be in you I see
What could it be..” -Deniece Williams (Silly)

Hello world!
So first, thanks for all the love you have shown to my poems. It’s an honor that you are reading my poetry. It’s the perfect outlet for me. I’ve always been a writer, and will always be one whether you’ve read it or not, but it’s nice to know that it’s appreciated. (Feeling self-important here please ignore lol)
Now on to the topic at hand.
So, as you know, I’ve been through some ups and downs for the 2014 year. Although I’ve been vague on my exact reasons, you can guess that they’ve been pretty bad. Worse at times even. But I’m not here to have a pity party, or to gain sympathy. I’m trying to enlighten and help someone who may feel the same as me. You see, as an avid observer of relationships (both fiction and non-fiction)I have seen the top and the bottom. It’s also sad when fiction becomes more reliable than the real thing.
Men my age, tend to not be interested in settling down. To me, that’s fine, because this isn’t the 50’s and 60’s so who wants the wife/kids/dog combo by 25?
Not realistic I tell ya.
But what happens when you see the older generations feeling trapped, or forced to be with someone? And not for love?
What happens then?
On a re-run on the Steve Harvey show (Christmas that’s the reason for the daytime television encore shows) He said that if a man is really serious about you, or even remotely interested he will have the 3 P’s: protect, provide, and possess. What does it mean if you don’t see it?
I hear people say all the time that you don’t want to rush a man, you shouldn’t pressure him, or he left because you just weren’t holding up your end of the bargain.
HOW IS THAT FAIR IN ANY WAY!
In my senior year of college for my British Literature class we read Mary Astell, whom I have grown very fond of (completely obsessed over) and in one of her letters she talks about women being in a constant lose-lose situation. How we are mocked if we care about clothes,furniture/decorating, and babies, but mock us if we don’t, calling us to manly, or too involved in education.
SO WHAT NOW?
I’m not mocking any woman who wants these things. I’ve even mentioned in my previous post how I have complete respect for the housewife. The problem I’m having is finding someone I can trust, and who will live up to his end of the bargain.
What I’m trying to say, if i’m saying anything at all is that I understand. I want to feel completely loved, have an adventure buddy, and a lover to call mine. The problem is, every time, the woman seems as if she has so much more to lose than the man.
Am I ready for that?
And what does this hold for women in the future? Are we bound to always having to settle?

-N

My Condemned Maze

I keep looking,
for a lover that is divine.
sublime,
anything but that single shot
laced with lime.
How can I find,
a peace of mind?
Can someone please show me a sign?
Can my body be entwined,
aligned, assigned, combined?
Can anyone really settle a unconscious mind?
That stupid word:
Love
Is that why it’s blind?
a grind,
a dulled shrine?
Why can’t I retreat,
from this vicious, unfair, unkind treat?
Not I. Not I.
I am no different from the rest,
who are always trying to best,
even test,
me.
I am you, them, everyone.
I am the sheep surrounded by millions
waiting for the inevitable attack of the lion.
I long for the feel of his claws,
for his hot breath against my ear.
I shiver for the silver tongue who creates mirages I know I shouldn’t,
but can’t help believe.
I crave the smothering feeling of his flesh on mine.
I wait in anticipation for the strangle of his words
grabbing hold of my heart.
I’m a captive burning up in flames, that water cannot contain,
I can’t place blame,
shame,
even say my name.
-N

Thoughts? (Day 2 of Nikki’s poems)

12 HOURS

“There is no end to education. It is not that you read a book, pass an examination, and finish with education. The whole of life, from the moment you are born to the moment you die, is a process of learning.” -Jiddu Krishnamurti

Okay I’m nervous.
in approximately 12 hours I will be sending my best work to my Alma Mater (Fresno State University) and apply to graduate school.
Geez!
Anyways it’s been a trying time. I’ve been swinging back and forth on whether or not applying but I admitted the problem I was having.
Me.
I was standing in my own way. No one else was preventing me, or keeping me but myself. While I am a confident person most of the time I have to say for this issue I was not. Me, like countless others doubt myself from time to time. The problem with me is that I shut myself down before anyone else can.
Not anymore.
Even though I’m shaking from the inside out, I’m still going to hit that send button. You may be saying, “Well Nicole why put yourself through all the trouble?” As cliche as it sounds my reasoning is simple; i’ll always wonder what would’ve happen if I never did. and I don’t want to be that type of person.
So at 12:43 a.m. western time me, Nicole Williams is saying to the world that I am boldly (well sort of) applying to grad school.
I hope this reaches you. Whoever out there is reading this I want you to know, if you feel the same way as me I understand, and can relate. But if you’re a little fearful, know that you are not alone.
We will hit the enter button together.
-N