“Leaders aren’t born they are made. And they are made just like anything else, through hard work. And that’s the price we’ll have to pay to achieve that goal, or any goal.”
So I told you that I would keep you updated on grad school, my classes, and such. Well grad school at Strayer University doesn’t officially start until October 6th but my professors are sending their syllabus ahead of time, just so students can be prepared. I looked at mine last night, and although it’s a lot of work (I mean a lot) I know I can do it. It’s terrifying,(because you want to graduate with a master’s) exciting, and challenging, but I’m always up to a challenge.
I hope you feel the same. If you’re reading this and like challenges, find something that will challenge your mind. Whether it be school, work, travel, a relationship (that in itself is challenging). Eleanor Roosevelt had said I believe do something everyday that scares you. I believe if you stick to that mantra, you will shock yourself at what you can handle. I guess that’s why I enjoy education. Because, In a way it always is challenging me to push my mind, to expand my horizons and culture.
“Girls you’ve gotta know when it’s time to turn the page.” ― Tori Amos (From the Choirgirl Hotel)
So, a couple of days ago I told you that I was applying to my alma mater for graduate school. After I applied and hit send, I’ve been thinking non-stop for the past couple of days about my future. Thoughts like, “Did I make the right choice,” or “What if this isn’t the major for me,” have been running rampant through my head.
You see I’ve always wanted to make a positive impact, or show change to someone who was in my position. I wanted to show other young women and girls that even when it seems the odds are against you, you can still succeed. I also knew that in my head for all my talk of bravado, and self-confidence I knew the only real reason I was picking CSU Fresno was because it was my safety zone. I picked a safe major (english), a pretty safe place, and a very predictable atmosphere; but I wanted to shake things up. So I looked into other programs. And guess what?
I am now a proud student at Strayer University. that’s right folks, you’re girl right here is an M.B.A. student.
Oh I’m scared out of my mind; (I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t worry) But I realized that I am changing, and I should try something that makes me work even harder to achieve my goal. So in a couple of weeks, your girl Nikki is hitting the books once again.
There’s a road
that’s stretched ahead.
and I stand here waiting instead.
Feet planted firmly,
thoughts running surely,
yet I feel curly,
in the recesses of my mind.
I try to find,
a way to unwind,
to not drink this wine.
So I get in the car,
driving away from the bar.
Running from feelings, urges that
as if i’m trying to catch that star.
don’t leave me be.
I need you.
I beg, and plea.
If you leave I’ll go on another horrible
One that will surely make you disagree.
Be my czar,
take the key and lock me afar.
leave me in the fields raving like a banshee.
I was supposed to leave,
be on I-5 by 5.
but I stand here,
filled with fear,
won’t you help me dear?
-N.R.W. (Day 4 or is it 5? of poems)
Life is going by, and
I can’t seem to fly.
This black tie is holding me back.
You see I’m normally so spry.
I lie in, I don’t know
anticipation, for the hard,unforgiving
sensation, condensation, gyration you
While I’m astride you,
give me looks of snide.
Trying to hold back my progress.
But I digress.
is in the love you possess.
It’s in my feelings in which you
so gladly acquiesce,
to my distressed spirit.
I can’t fly
because I need you here.
Please lend an ear.
I keep looking,
for a lover that is divine.
anything but that single shot
laced with lime.
How can I find,
a peace of mind?
Can someone please show me a sign?
Can my body be entwined,
aligned, assigned, combined?
Can anyone really settle a unconscious mind?
That stupid word:
Is that why it’s blind?
a dulled shrine?
Why can’t I retreat,
from this vicious, unfair, unkind treat?
Not I. Not I.
I am no different from the rest,
who are always trying to best,
I am you, them, everyone.
I am the sheep surrounded by millions
waiting for the inevitable attack of the lion.
I long for the feel of his claws,
for his hot breath against my ear.
I shiver for the silver tongue who creates mirages I know I shouldn’t,
but can’t help believe.
I crave the smothering feeling of his flesh on mine.
I wait in anticipation for the strangle of his words
grabbing hold of my heart.
I’m a captive burning up in flames, that water cannot contain,
I can’t place blame,
even say my name.
Thoughts? (Day 2 of Nikki’s poems)
My eyes alight
with the sights
that seem to have taken flight.
this desolate night.
Here it stands.
spanned into the sands of time.
seem to be in this muck.
Where is my luck?
Where is my charm,
the one who makes life.
life…………. (You should be here) -N.R.W.
So apart from being a anxious person waiting to hear back from grad school (fingers crossed) I have decided to take up a hobby I had abandoned years ago;
I know right? *person raises hand, (Ahem, Nikki are you bored?)
*Me,standing,and responding with righteous indignation, “No of course not!” (Well just a tiny teenie bit)
Well bloggers let me tell you, Nikki is trying to be ambitious.
So tell me how you like this poem, if it sucks, if it’s interesting, or if I should just stop writing entirely. Let me know.
“There is no end to education. It is not that you read a book, pass an examination, and finish with education. The whole of life, from the moment you are born to the moment you die, is a process of learning.” -Jiddu Krishnamurti
Okay I’m nervous.
in approximately 12 hours I will be sending my best work to my Alma Mater (Fresno State University) and apply to graduate school.
Anyways it’s been a trying time. I’ve been swinging back and forth on whether or not applying but I admitted the problem I was having.
I was standing in my own way. No one else was preventing me, or keeping me but myself. While I am a confident person most of the time I have to say for this issue I was not. Me, like countless others doubt myself from time to time. The problem with me is that I shut myself down before anyone else can.
Even though I’m shaking from the inside out, I’m still going to hit that send button. You may be saying, “Well Nicole why put yourself through all the trouble?” As cliche as it sounds my reasoning is simple; i’ll always wonder what would’ve happen if I never did. and I don’t want to be that type of person.
So at 12:43 a.m. western time me, Nicole Williams is saying to the world that I am boldly (well sort of) applying to grad school.
I hope this reaches you. Whoever out there is reading this I want you to know, if you feel the same way as me I understand, and can relate. But if you’re a little fearful, know that you are not alone.
We will hit the enter button together.
“God gave us the gift of life; it is up to us to give ourselves the gift of living well.”
“The great thing about getting older is that you don’t lose all the other ages you’ve been.”
“I can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13
Quotes I’ve decided to live by.
I hope all is well with you. So listen, my birthday is in approximately 45 minutes. As I look back over the year (Which I’m doing for the fiftieth time it seems) I can honestly say that I’ve accomplished a lot. I got a degree (yay finally!) got a couple of jobs, (some that I will never ever repeat) and I’ve gotten closer to my family.(Just a teeny tiny bit) As I turn 24 I realize that some things work out and some things don’t. But I also know that the only way to be truly happy is to at first be happy with yourself. Things come and go, but your own perception of life is what makes the day either bearable or impossible.
So here’s to the next 24 years……..